“So basically this happened today…”

SO BASICALLY THE WHOLE STOCK MARKET JUST BLEW UP HIGHER TODAY BECAUSE SOME NEW INFLATION REPORT CAME OUT AND SHOWED PRICES ARE FINALLY CHILLING OUT A BIT WHICH IS MASSIVE FOR TECH STOCKS AND ESPECIALLY THE NASDAQ SO NOW EVERYONE IS FREAKING OUT AND POURING ALL THEIR CASH INTO NVIDIA AND THEIR LITTLE BESTIE CLOUD COMPANY COREWEAVE WHICH JUST SOARED OUTTA NOWHERE SO ALL THE WALL STREET BROTHERS ARE POPPING BOTTLES IN THE VIP SECTION WHILE WE JUST STAND HERE YELLING ABOUT INFLATION DATA OVER THIS DUMB ASS HOUSE TRACK. ANYWAYS YOU WANT ANOTHER TEQUILA SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY THIS GUY DAVID CROWLEY WHO USED TO BE A HUGE DEAL IN POLITICS JUST PULLED OFF THIS INSANE POLITICAL COMEBACK WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE EVERYONE THOUGHT HIS CAREER WAS TOTALLY DEAD AND BURIED AFTER THAT MASSIVE SCANDAL WITH THE CAMPAIGN FUNDS AND THE WEIRD LOBBYIST DINNERS SO NOW HE IS BACK IN POWER AND CONTROLLING THE WHOLE LEGISLATIVE AGENDA WHICH HAS ALL THE OLD ESTABLISHMENT POLITICIANS FREAKING OUT AND SWEATING BULLETS BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THEY GOT RID OF HIM FOREVER AND YET HERE HE IS MAKING DEALS AGAIN AND TAKING NAMES WHILE EVERYONE WONDERS HOW HE PULLED IT OFF. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY THIS NEWSPAPER EDITORIAL WROTE THAT SOME GUY NAMED CROWLEY CAN TOTALLY UNIFY THE DEMOCRATS TO BEAT THIS OTHER REPUBLICAN GUY NAMED TOM TIFFANY IN WISCONSIN AND EVERYONE IS FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT BECAUSE THE PARTY HAS BEEN SO DIVIDED FOR SO LONG AND THEY REALLY NEED SOMEONE TO STEP UP AND BRING EVERYONE TOGETHER TO ACTUALLY WIN AN ELECTION FOR ONCE WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE NOBODY CAN AGREE ON ANYTHING ANYMORE AND NOW EVERYONE IS ARGUING AT THE BAR ABOUT IT. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY THERE WAS THIS MASSIVE TOTAL SOLAR ECLIPSE SWEEPING RIGHT ACROSS EUROPE WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WENT OUTSIDE TO STARE DIRECTLY AT THE SKY LIKE WEIRDOS AND THE SCIENTISTS WERE FREAKING OUT MAKING SURE EVERYONE WORE THOSE GOOFY CARDBOARD GLASSES SO THEY WOULD NOT GO BLIND AND NOW TOURISM IS BOOMING BECAUSE EVERY HOTEL WAS FULL OF ASTRONOMY NERDS AND DRUNK PEOPLE PARTYING IN THE DARK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER DRINK?

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SO BASICALLY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE SWARMING SPANISH CITIES RIGHT NOW JUST TO WATCH THE COUNTRY'S FIRST TOTAL SOLAR ECLIPSE IN OVER A CENTURY WHERE THE MOON LITERALLY BLOCKS THE SUN COMPLETELY WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE SCIENTISTS SAY IT CAUSES A MASSIVE SUDDEN DROP IN TEMPERATURE AND DARKNESS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY SO NOW MILLIONS OF TOURISTS ARE JAMMING THE STREETS AND STARGAZING LIKE CRAZY JUST TO SEE THE SKY GO COMPLETELY BLACK. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY THE WHO IS FREAKING OUT BECAUSE THERE IS A MASSIVE EBOLA OUTBREAK IN THE CONGO WHICH IS LITERALLY ON TRACK TO BECOME THE DEADLIEST ONE IN ACTUAL HISTORY AND EVERYONE IS PANIC TRANSPIRING AND YELLING OVER THE BASS BECAUSE THE VIRUS IS SPREADING SO FAST SO NOW HEALTH WORKERS ARE RUNNING AROUND WITH VACCINES TRYING TO CONTAIN IT BEFORE IT BLOWS UP GLOBALLY AND I JUST BOUGHT ANOTHER DRINK WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE I CAN BARELY HEAR YOU OVER THIS DROP

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SO BASICALLY THIS GUY NICK REINER WHO IS THE SON OF THAT FAMOUS DIRECTOR ROB REINER JUST GOT INDICTED FOR THE CRAZY MURDERS OF HIS OWN PARENTS ROB AND MICHELE WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE NOBODY SAW IT COMING AND EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD IS FREAKING OUT OVER IT SO NOW THE COPS HAVE HIM LOCKED UP AND THE WHOLE INDUSTRY IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WENT WRONG IN THAT FAMILY AND EVERYONE IS GOSSIPING ABOUT IT NONSTOP ACROSS TOWN. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER DRINK?

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SO BASICALLY MARK WALTER ONLY BOUGHT THE LAKERS LITERALLY ONE YEAR AGO AND NOW HE IS ALREADY FLIPPING THE ENTIRE TEAM TO BOB IGER AND JOSHUA KUSHNER WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE BECAUSE YOU WOULD THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO HANG ON TO LEBRON JAMES FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES BEFORE CASHING OUT SO NOW THESE MILLIONAIRE TECH AND MEDIA MOGULS ARE TAKING OVER HOLLYWOOD WHILE EVERYONE IN THE CLUB IS JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO IS ACTUALLY RUNNING THE POINT GUARD POSITION ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY GOOGLE JUST DROPPED THEIR WHOLE NEW PIXEL ELEVEN LINEUP AND A CRAZY AIRTAG RIVAL AND SOME INSANE GEMINI AI FEATURES AT THEIR BIG MADE BY GOOGLE EVENT WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE EVERYONE ALREADY HAS PHONES BUT NOW THESE NEW ONES CAN LITERALLY READ YOUR MIND AND TRACK YOUR KEYS IN REAL TIME SO EVERYONE IS LOSING THEIR MINDS AND THROWING MONEY AT GOOGLE WHILE APPLE IS PROBABLY CRYING IN A CORNER AND BY THE WAY DO YOU WANT ANOTHER DRINK?

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SO BASICALLY ALL THESE MASSIVE TECH COMPANIES MAKING ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE JUST DROPPED THEIR CRAZY EARNINGS REPORTS WHICH MADE THE WHOLE ENTIRE STOCK MARKET LIKE THE S AND P FIVE HUNDRED AND THE NASDAQ ABSOLUTE ROCKET SHIP UPWARD AND WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE EVERYONE WAS PANICKING ABOUT INFLATION MAKING INTEREST RATES GO HAYWIRE BUT THEN THE INFLATION DATA CAME OUT CHILL AS HECK SO NOW WALL STREET IS ABSOLUTELY ROLLING IN CASH AND EVERYONE IS POPPING BOTTLES IN THE VIP SECTION WHILE WE JUST STAND HERE YELLING ABOUT CHIPS. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER VODKA RED BULL?

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SO BASICALLY HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES ARE TOTALLY SHUTTING UP ABOUT POLITICS LATELY WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE THEY USED TO RUN THEIR MOUTHS NONSTOP ABOUT ELECTIONS AND POLICIES AND STUFF BUT NOW ALL THE BIG MOVIE STARS AND DIRECTORS ARE GETTING WAY TOO SCARED THAT STUDIO BOSSES WILL FIRE THEM AND BRAND DEALS WILL GET CANCELLED IF THEY PISS OFF HALF THE COUNTRY SO NOW EVERYBODY IS JUST POSTING PICTURES OF SMOOTHIES AND DOGS INSTEAD OF SAVING DEMOCRACY WHICH IS WILD. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER TEQUILA SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY THE WASHINGTON POST PUBLISHED THIS WILD OPINION PIECE ABOUT HOW AMERICA HAS COMPLETELY LOST ITS DAMN MIND WITH THE TIP SCREENS GETTING SPUN AROUND AT EVERY SINGLE STORE WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE NOW YOU ARE GETTING JUDGED BY A ROBOT CASHIER JUST FOR BUYING A STUPID BAG OF CHIPS AND EVERYONE IS FREAKING OUT ABOUT TIPPINGSATION INFLATION SO NOW EVERYONE IS FIGHTING ABOUT BASIC ETIQUETTE WHILE THE BILLIONAIRES JUST LAUGH AT US. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER VODKA SODA?

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SO BASICALLY A MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE LIT UP COLOMBIA AND LIKE OVER 181 PEOPLE ARE DEAD WHICH IS CRAZY DEVASTATING AND THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS BASICALLY CRUMBLING INTO DUST AND ASH, SO NOW RESCUE CREWS ARE DIGGING THROUGH ALL THE INSANE MOUNTAINS OF BROKEN CONCRETE AND TWISTED METAL AND THEY LITERALLY PULLED A TINY BABY ALIVE OUT OF THE RUBBLE WHICH IS LIKE THE ONLY GOOD THING HAPPENING RIGHT NOW AMIDST ALL THIS MADNESS. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY EVERYONE IS LOSING THEIR MINDS OVER THIS MASSIVE TOTAL SOLAR ECLIPSE HAPPENING AUGUST TWELFTH TWENTY TWENTY SIX WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE THE MOON IS GOING TO COMPLETELY BLOCK OUT THE SUN OVER EUROPE AND PARTS OF GREENLAND AND ICELAND AND SCIENTISTS ARE FREAKING OUT ABOUT GETTING THE BEST DATA EVER ON THE SUNS CORONA AND MILLIONS OF TOURISTS ARE BOOKING FLIGHTS RIGHT NOW SO HOTELS ARE COSTING A FORTUNE SO NOW EVERYONE IS JUST TRYING TO FIND A DECENT PAIR OF ECLIPSE GLASSES BEFORE THEY GO BLIND. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY THERE IS THIS FLESH EATING BACTERIA THRIVING IN WARMING OCEAN WATERS EVERYWHERE AND IT IS LEGITIMATELY DEVOURING PEOPLES LIMBS WHICH IS SUPER TERRIFYING BECAUSE CLIMATE CHANGE IS LITERALLY MAKING THE BEACH A BIOHAZARD ZONE SO NOW YOU CANNOT EVEN GO FOR A SWIM WITHOUT RISK OF LOSING AN ARM TO SOME GROSS SEA MONSTER GERB SO YOU HAVE TO WASH YOUR CUTS AND STAY OUT OF THE WATER WITH OPEN WOUNDS OR YOU MIGHT LITERALLY MELT. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY ROD STEWART WHO IS LIKE EIGHTY YEARS OLD AND STILL WEARING THOSE CRAZY LEOPARD PRINT PANTS HAD TO CANCEL HIS WHOLE US TOUR BECAUSE HE HAD TO GET SOME ROUTINE HEART PROCEDURE DONE WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE THE GUY HAS BEEN SMOKING AND DRINKING WHISKEY FOR DECADES AND NOW HIS TICKETS ARE WORTHLESS SO EVERYONE IS FREAKING OUT IN THE VIP LOUNGE AND I CAN BARELY HEAR YOU OVER THIS BASS DROP BUT ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY KYLER MURRAY IS SAYING THAT HIS CRAZY RUNNING ABILITY IS ABOUT TO MAKE A MASSIVE DIFFERENCE ONCE THE GAMES ACTUALLY START WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS HE IS DANGEROUS ON THE GROUND AND DEFENSES ARE GONNA HAVE TO PANIC TRYING TO CONTAIN HIM SO NOW THE WHOLE TEAM IS HYPED UP AND EXPECTING HIM TO CARRY THEM TO VICTORY THIS SEASON WHENEVER THE POCKET COLLAPSES AND HE SCRAMBLES OUT OF BOUNDS. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER DRINK?

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SO BASICALLY SONY IS DROPPING THIS MASSIVE WOLVERINE THEMED PLAYSTATION FIVE CONSOLE AND MATCHING CONTROLLERS THIS SEPTEMBER WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING FOREVER FOR THIS GAME AND NOW YOU CAN LITERALLY BUY A CUSTOM CLAW SCRATCHED CONSOLE TO MATCH THE VIBE SO NOW HARDCORE GAMERS ARE LOSING THEIR MINDS TRYING TO PREORDER IT BEFORE THE BOTS BUY THEM ALL UP WHICH MEANS WE ARE ALL ABOUT TO GO BROKE JUST TO PLAY AS LOGAN AND HACK UP ENEMIES IN GLORIOUS FOUR K GRAPHICS AND HONESTLY I MIGHT JUST SELL MY CAR FOR IT. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY JAPANESE OFFICIALS SPENT BILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF THEIR HARD EARNED CASH TO BUY BACK THEIR OWN YEN CURRENCY TO STOP IT FROM CRASHING AGAINST THE US DOLLAR WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE TRADERS KEPT BETTING AGAINST THEM ANYWAYS BECAUSE US INTEREST RATES ARE WAY HIGHER SO EVERYONE WANTS TO HOLD DOLLARS INSTEAD OF YEN SO NOW JAPAN IS BASICALLY BURNING PILES OF MONEY FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WHILE THE US CENTRAL BANK JUST SITS BACK AND WATCHES THE CHAOS UNFOLD AND DOES NOTHING TO HELP THEM. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY HUNTER BIDEN IS SUDDENLY SHOWING UP EVERYWHERE AGAIN AND HANGING OUT IN DC MAKING EVERYONE SWEAT WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE HIS DAD JUST DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE SO NOW EVERYONE IS WONDERING WHAT THE HECK HE ACTUALLY WANTS SINCE HE WAS JUST PARDONED AND HE MIGHT BE TRYING TO REHABILITATE HIS PUBLIC IMAGE OR MAYBE HE JUST WANTS TO CASH IN ON HIS WILD FAMILY DRAMA AND WRITE ANOTHER CRAZY MEMOIR OR SOMETHING WHILE THE REPUBLICANS ARE LOSING THEIR MINDS ABOUT IT. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER VODKA RED BULL OR WHAT?

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SO BASICALLY THIS WASHINGTON POST OPINION PIECE IS TALKING ABOUT OKLAHOMA SENATOR MARKWAYNE MULLIN WHO IS A HARDCORE MAGA GUY AND USUALLY SAYS WHATEVER TRUMP WANTS BUT THEN RECENTLY HE ACTUALLY TOLD THE TRUTH ABOUT SOMETHING AND DIDNT JUST REPEAT THE PARTY LINE WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE NOW HE IS LOSING ALL HIS POLITICAL BROWNIE POINTS WITH THE EXTREME BASE WHO THINK HE IS GOING SOFT SO NOW HE HAS TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GO BACK TO LYING JUST TO STAY POPULAR. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY TRUMP GOT SECRETLY EVACUATED OFF AIR FORCE ONE AND THEY USED THE ACTUAL PLANE AS A FLYING DECOY WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE SOME IMPERILED SITUATION HAPPENED IN THE SKIES AND THEY HAD TO SNEAK THE PRESIDENT OUT THROUGH THE BACKDOOR SO NO ONE WOULD KNOW WHERE HE WAS GOING WHILE THE EMPTY JET JUST FLEW AROUND LURING POTENTIAL THREATS AWAY WHICH IS WILD PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE IN REAL LIFE SO NOW EVERYONE IS FREAKING OUT ABOUT NATIONAL SECURITY. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER VODKA REDBULL?

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SO BASICALLY THERE IS THIS MASSIVE METEOR SHOWER HAPPENING THIS SUMMER WHICH PEAKS ON THE EXACT SAME DAY AS A FREAKING TOTAL SOLAR ECLIPSE AND SCIENTISTS ARE LOSING THEIR MINDS BECAUSE THE MOON IS GOING TO BLOCK THE SUN AND TURN DAY INTO NIGHT WHILE MILLIONS OF FALLING STARS ARE STREAKING ACROSS THE SKY AT THE EXACT SAME TIME WHICH NEVER HAPPENS AND IS CRAZY BECAUSE YOU CAN NORMALLY NEVER SEE METEORS DURING THE DAY SO NOW EVERYONE IS PACKING OUT INTO THE DESERT WITH BEERS TO WATCH THE END OF THE WORLD

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SO BASICALLY THERE IS THIS MASSIVE EBOLA OUTBREAK IN THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO WHICH HAS ALREADY KILLED OVER TWO THOUSAND PEOPLE AND THE WHOLE SITUATION IS GETTING COMPLETELY OUT OF HAND BECAUSE THE HEALTH WORKERS ARE TRYING SO HARD TO VACCINATE EVERYONE BUT THEY KEEP GETTING ATTACKED BY ARMED REBELS WHO THINK THE MEDICAL CLINICS ARE SPREADING THE VIRUS ON PURPOSE SO NOW THE DEATH TOLL JUST KEEPS CLIMBING AND NO ONE CAN STOP IT. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY THIS CALIFORNIA ATTORNEY GENERAL ROB BONTA IS LOOKING INTO TOTAL STRUCTURAL REMEDIES FOR THAT MASSIVE PARAMOUNT AND WARNER BROS DISCOVERY LAWSUIT WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE IT MIGHT ACTUALLY FORCE THEM TO COMPLETELY BREAK APART OR SELL OFF MAJOR PIECES OF THEIR BUSINESS EMPIRES SO NOW ALL THESE HOLLYWOOD EXEC TYPES ARE FREAKING OUT OVER THEIR MERGER PLANS GETTING TOTALLY ROASTED AND DESTROYED BY STATE REGULATORS WHO WANT TO TEAR THE WHOLE MEDIA CONGLOMERATE APART PIECE BY PIECE RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR EYES. ANYWAYS WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY THE VIKINGS MIGHT TRADE FOR KYLER MURRAY WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE THEY JUST DRAFTED JJ MCCARTHY IN THE FIRST ROUND AND EVERYONE THOUGHT HE WAS THE CHOSEN ONE TO LEAD THE FRANCHISE INTO THE PROMISED LAND BUT THEN HE GOT HURT AND NOW KEVIN O'CONNELL MIGHT BRING IN KYLER WITH HIS MASSIVE CONTRACT AND VIDEO GAME ADDICTION SO NOW JJ IS JUST SITTING ON THE BENCH WATCHING UNREAL ENGINE HIGHLIGHTS WHILST WONDERING IF HE WILL EVER THROW A REAL NFL PASS AND EVERYONE IN THE NFC NORTH IS LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF. ANYWAYS YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY THIS AUDIO COMPANY SONOS WHO USUALLY JUST MAKES SPEAKERS FOR YOUR HOUSE IS DROPPING BRAND NEW WIRELESS OVER EAR HEADPHONES NEXT MONTH ACCORDING TO SOME CRAZY OFFICIAL FILINGS WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN TEASING THIS THING FOR YEARS SO NOW EVERYONE IS FREAKING OUT ABOUT WHETHER THEY CAN COMPETE WITH APPLE AND SONY IN THE NOISE CANCELLATION GAME AND ALSO THEY COST LIKE FOUR HUNDRED BUCKS WHICH IS STEEP AS HELL BUT ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY THIS GUY JENSEN HUANG WHO RUNS NVIDIA WANTS TO FINANCE A HALF TRILLION DOLLAR AI INFRASTRUCTURE BUILD OUT ACROSS THE ENTIRE GLOBE WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS HIS MICROCHIPS TO TRAIN THEIR MASSIVE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE MODELS SO NOW HE IS PARTNERING WITH ALL THESE MASSIVE CLOUD COMPUTING GIANTS AND UTILITY COMPANIES TO BUILD LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF NEW POWER PLANTS TO KEEP THE SERVERS RUNNING BUT THE HUGE RISK IS THAT CHINA WHO MAKES A TON OF THE RARE EARTH MINERALS AND HAS HUGE MANUFACTURING HUBS MIGHT COMPLETELY CUT OFF THE SUPPLY CHAIN AND SHUT DOWN THE ENTIRE OPERATION OVER THESE INSANE ONGOING TRADE WARS AND CHIP EXPORT BAN RESTRICTIONS WHICH MEANS ALL THAT MONEY COULD VANISH OVERNIGHT AND LEAVE US WITH EXPENSIVE PAPERWEIGHTS. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY TRUMP WENT ON TV AND STARTED YELLING ABOUT TARIFFS WHICH ARE BASICALLY TAXES ON FOREIGN STUFF AND HE CALLED THEM A TREMENDOUS THING THAT WILL MAKE AMERICA RICH AGAIN BUT THEN LITERALLY EVERY ECONOMIST AND MOST NORMAL AMERICANS LOST THEIR MINDS BECAUSE TARIFFS ACTUALLY JUST MAKE GROCERIES AND CARS WAY MORE EXPENSIVE FOR US REGULAR PEOPLE SO NOW EVERYONE IS FIGHTING ABOUT WHETHER WE SHOULD TAX IMPORTS OR NOT WHILE THE PRICES KEEP GOING UP AT THE STORE AND NO ONE CAN EVEN HEAR EACH OTHER OVER THIS LOUD ASS BASS. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY THIS NEW OPINION PIECE IN THE WASHINGTON POST CALLED SWITCHED IS TALKING ALL ABOUT HOW PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY CHANGING THEIR MINDS ABOUT TECHNOLOGY AND SOCIAL MEDIA AFTER SPENDING YEARS BEING ABSOLUTELY ADDICTED TO THEIR PHONES AND CONSTANTLY SCROLLING THROUGH BASELESS ALGORITHMS WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE EVERYONE IS SUDDENLY TRYING TO GO OFF THE GRID AND DELETE THEIR ACCOUNTS SO NOW OLD TECH EXECUTIVES ARE FREAKING OUT AND WRITING THESE HUGE EDITORIALS BEGGING US TO COME BACK TO THE SCREENS AND BUY MORE EXPENSIVE GADGETS AND IT IS JUST A WILD MESS OF HYPOCRISY AND DESPERATION WHILE WE ARE ALL JUST STANDING HERE IN THIS LOUD CLUB TRYING TO HEAR EACH OTHER OVER THE BASS.

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SO BASICALLY A MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE JUST HIT COLOMBIA AND OVER TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE ARE ALREADY DEAD WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE THE EPICENTER IS TOTALLY CUT OFF AND RESCUERS LITERALLY CANNOT REACH THE SURVIVORS YET BECAUSE THE ROADS ARE COMPLETELY DESTROYED AND MUDLINES ARE BLOCKING EVERYTHING SO NOW THE GOVERNMENT IS SCRAMBLING DESPERATELY TO SEND HELICOPTERS BUT THE WEATHER IS ABSOLUTE GARBAGE WHICH IS MAKING EVERY SINGLE THING EVEN WORSE WHILE FAMILIES ARE FREAKING OUT WAITING FOR NEWS ABOUT THEIR LOVED ONES. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY EVERYONE IS LOSING THEIR MINDS OVER THIS HUGE SOLAR ECLIPSE HAPPENING TOMORROW ON AUGUST TWELFTH TWENTY TWENTY SIX WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE SCIENTISTS HAVE BEEN TRACKING IT FOR YEARS AND PEOPLE ARE FLOCKING TO SPAIN AND ICELAND JUST TO WATCH THE MOON TOTALLY BLOCK THE SUN AND TURN DAY INTO NIGHT SO NOW TOURISM IS GOING INSANE AND HOTELS ARE COMPLETELY BOOKED OUT AND EVERYONE IS BUYING THOSE STUPID SPECIAL GLASSES AND YELLING OVER THE BASS. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER DRINK?

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SO BASICALLY MEDICARE DECIDED TO PAY WAY LESS MONEY FOR STANDARD CATARACT SURGERY WHICH IS SUPER MESSED UP FOR DOCTORS WHO RELY ON THAT CASH SO NOW THESE EYE DOCTORS ARE FREAKING OUT AND FORCING PATIENTS TO PAY EXTRA THOUSANDS OF DOCTORS OUT OF POCKET FOR THESE FANCY NEW LASERS THAT THEY CLAIM ARE WAY BETTER EVEN THOUGH REGULAR SURGERY WORKS FINE WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE GRANDMA JUST WANTS HER EYES FIXED AND NOW SHE HAS TO DODGE UPSELLS AT THE OPTOMETRIST LIKE SHE IS BUYING A USED CAR!

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SO BASICALLY THIS GUY WHO PLAYS SOME DUDE IN HOUSE OF THE DRAGON WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT HOW STOKED HE IS TO GET ABSOLUTELY OBLITERATED AND KILLED OFF IN THE SEASON THREE FINALE WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE MOST ACTORS CRY WHEN THEY LOSE THEIR FAT PAYCHECKS BUT THIS DUDE IS PROUD OF IT AND BRAGGING ABOUT GETTING HIS HEAD CHOPPED OFF ON NATIONAL TELEVISION SO NOW ALL THE FANS ARE LOSING THEIR MINDS AND FREAKING OUT ONLINE ABOUT WHO DIES NEXT AND DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY THIS WNBA STAR DIJONAI CARRINGTON POSTED SOMETHING ABOUT WHITE PRIVILEGE RIGHT AFTER A FIERCE GAME AGAINST SOPHIE CUNNINGHAM WHICH MADE EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET LOSE THEIR MINDS ASSUMING IT WAS ABSOLUTELY 100 PERCENT ABOUT SOPHIE AND EVERYONE STARTED FIGHTING ONLINE ABOUT RACE AND BASKETBALL DRAMA SO NOW DIJONAI IS COMING OUT AND SWEARING ON EVERYTHING THAT THE POST HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH SOPHIE AT ALL WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE NO ONE ACTUALLY BELIEVES HER AND EVERYONE IS STILL ARGUING IN THE CLUB BATHROOM ABOUT IT ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY GOOGLE IS DROPPING THEIR ENTIRE 2026 PIXEL LINEUP WAY EARLY THIS YEAR WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE THEY ARE BASICALLY TRYING TO STEAL APPLE'S THUNDER BEFORE THE NEW IPHONES DROP AND EVERYONE IS FREAKING OUT OVER THESE CRAZY NEW FOLDABLE PHONES AND GENERATIVE AI GLASSES WHICH ARE SUPPOSED TO READ YOUR MIND OR SOMETHING WILD LIKE THAT SO NOW EVERYONE AT THE TECH BLOGS IS LOSING THEIR MINDS TRYING TO PREDICT THE PRICES AND SPECS WHILE WE STAND HERE DRINKING VODKA RED BULLS IN THIS LOUD CLUB. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER DRINK?

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SO BASICALLY THE WHOLE S AND P FIVE HUNDRED FUTURES MARKET JUST TICKED UPWARD BECAUSE OIL PRICES FINALLY STOPPED GOING CRAZY AND STABILIZED AFTER EVERYONE WAS FREAKING OUT AND ALSO NVIDIA GAINED A BUNCH OF VALUE WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE TECH STOCKS HAVE BEEN ROLLER COASTERING ALL WEEK SO NOW WALL STREET IS BREATHING A TINY BIT OF RELIEF WHILE WE ARE STANDING HERE IN THIS BASE FREAKING OUT OVER THESE DROPS BEATS ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER DRINK?

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SO BASICALLY TRUMP WENT ON TV AND TOLD EVERYONE NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN TO AMERICA ANYMORE WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE THE ECONOMY IS DOING LOOPS AND THE WORLD IS BASICALLY ON FIRE AND HE IS JUST STANDING THERE TELLING EVERYONE TO CHILL OUT AND NOT WORRY ABOUT A THING SO NOW HIS SUPPORTERS ARE EATING IT UP LIKE CANDY AND THE HATERS ARE LOSING THEIR MINDS COMPLETELY WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE NOTHING HAS ACTUALLY CHANGED EXCEPT HIS VIBES. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY THIS NEW OPINION PIECE IN THE BOSTON GLOBE IS TALKING ABOUT WALTHAM MASSACHUSETTS WHERE THE CITY COUNCIL JUST HAD THIS MASSIVE FIGHT OVER A MAYORAL VETO AND THE COUNCIL FREAKING OVERRODE IT WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE IT BASICALLY MEANS THE LOCAL POLITICIANS ARE WARRING OVER POWER AND BUDGET STUFF AND THE EDITORIAL BOARD IS SAYING IT IS A TOTAL MESS SO NOW EVERYONE IN TOWN IS ARGUING ABOUT WHO IS ACTUALLY RUNNING THE SHOW. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY A MASSIVE SEVEN POINT FOUR MAGNITUDE EARTHQUAKE JUST SMASHED WESTERN COLOMBIA WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE IT KILLED AT LEAST ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN PEOPLE AND CRUSHED WHOLE TOWNS AND LEFT THOUSANDS OF POOR SOULS TRAPPED BENEATH THE HEAVY RUBBLE AND MUDSLIDES SO NOW RESCUE CREWS ARE DESPERATELY DIGGING THROUGH THE DEBRIS WHILE AFTERSHOCKS KEEP SHAKING THE WHOLE REGION WHICH IS TERRIFYING AND THE GOVERNMENT IS SCRAMBLING TO SEND EMERGENCY AID TO THE SURVIVORS WHO HAVE LOST EVERYTHING IN JUST A FEW SECONDS. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY THERE IS THIS MASSIVE PERSEID METEOR SHOWER HAPPENING RIGHT NOW WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE IT HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE YEAR WHEN EARTH SMACKS RIGHT INTO THE DUST TRAIL OF THIS HUGE SWIFT-TUTTLE COMET AND SPACE ROCKS ARE JUST BURNING UP IN OUR ATMOSPHERE CREATING LIKE A HUNDRED SHOOTING STARS EVERY HOUR AND EVERYONE IS GOING OUTSIDE TO STARE AT THE SKY SO NOW YOU GOTTA GO OUT AFTER MIDNIGHT AND LOOK NORTH. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY THE WHO JUST ANNOUNCED THAT THIS MASSIVE EBOLA OUTBREAK IN CONGO ACTUALLY STARTED MONTHS BEFORE ANYONE OFFICIALLY DECLARED IT WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE EVERYONE WAS JUST CHILLING THINKING EVERYTHING WAS FINE WHILE THIS DEADLY VIRUS WAS ALREADY SPREADING LIKE WILDFIRE AND SO NOW PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIALS ARE FREAKING OUT TRYING TO CONTACT TRACE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE AND FIGURE OUT HOW THEY MISSED IT FOR SO LONG. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY THIS EX GANG LEADER DUANE DAVIS IS FINALLY GOING TO TRIAL FOR MURDERING TUPAC SHAKUR BACK IN NINETEEN NINETY SIX WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN ALMOST THIRTY YEARS AND THE COPS FINALLY ARRESTED THIS GUY LAST YEAR SO NOW JURY SELECTION IS STARTING IN VEGAS AND EVERYONE IS FREAKING OUT BECAUSE THIS MIGHT FINALLY SOLVE ONE OF THE GREATEST MYSTERIES IN HIP HOP HISTORY WHILE WE ARE JUST STANDING HERE ORDERING DRINKS AND TRYING TO HEAR OVER THE BASS. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY THIS WNBA STAR DIJONAI CARRINGTON GOT KICKED OUT OF A PLAYOFF GAME AND SCREAMED ABOUT WHITE PRIVILEGE IN THE TUNNEL AND EVERYONE LOST THEIR MINDS AND THEN SHE HAD TO PLAY AGAINST THE SEATTLE STORM LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED WHILE THE LEAGUE OFFICE JUST PRETENDED IT WASNT HAPPENING AND STAYED COMPLETELY SILENT WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE SOCIAL MEDIA WENT TOTAL WARFARE OVER IT AND NOW NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE PUNISHMENT WILL BE AND MY EAR DRUMS ARE BLEEDING FROM THIS BASS!

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SO BASICALLY THIS TECH BILLIONAIRE MARK ZUCKERBERG WENT ON THIS INSANE PODCAST RANT TRYING TO DEFEND HIS BIZARRE METAVERSE OBSESSION AND CRITICIZING APPLE WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE HE SPENT BILLIONS OF DOLLARS BUILDING A DIGITAL WORLD WHERE LITERALLY NOBODY WANTS TO HANG OUT SO NOW EVERYONE IS MAKING FUN OF HIM FOR WEARING WEIRD HOODIES AND FOILING ABOUT HOW HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS LIVE THEIR LIVES IN THE ACTUAL PHYSICAL REAL WORLD ANYWAYS WANT ANOTHER DRINK?

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SO BASICALLY TRUMP MEDIA JUST DROPPED THEIR LATEST FINANCIAL EARNINGS WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE THEY LOST HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS LAST QUARTER ALONE WHILE THEIR STOCK PRICE IS ABSOLUTELY TANKING IN REAL TIME AND NOBODY IS ACTUALLY USING TRUTH SOCIAL FOR ADS SO NOW THE COMPANY IS SCRAMBLING TO LAUNCH SOME NEW STREAMING APP TO SAVE THE ENTIRE OPERATION BEFORE EVERYONE GOES COMPLETELY BROKE AND DELETES THE APP OFF THEIR PHONES FOREVER. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY CNN JUST DROPPED THIS HUGE LIST OF THE NINE SENATE SEATS MOST LIKELY TO FLIP IN TWENTY TWENTY SIX WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE WE ARE BARELY PAST THE MIDTERMS AND ALREADY EVERYONE IS LOSING THEIR MINDS OVER CONTROL OF CONGRESS AND SO NOW DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS ARE POURING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS INTO PLACES LIKE TEXAS AND NORTH CAROLINA AND MAINE JUST TO SEE WHO GETS TO SIT IN A FANCY CHAIR AND ARGUE ABOUT TAXES WHILE WE ALL JUST TRY TO HEAR THE BASS DROP. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER VODKA RED BULL?

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SO BASICALLY THIS NEW EDITORIAL CARTOON ABOUT IRAN CAME OUT SHOWING THE WHOLE MESS OVER THERE WITH THE NUCLEAR STUFF AND THE PROTESTS AND THE US TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF WE SHOULD TALK TO THEM OR BOMB THEM WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE THE CARTOON HAS THIS TRAFFIC LIGHT GOING BETWEEN STOP AND GO WHILE EVERYBODY IN WASHINGTON IS JUST SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER ABOUT DIPLOMACY VERSUS MILITARY ACTION SO NOW THE WHOLE REGION IS ON THE BRINK OF EXPLODING AND NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER TEQUILA SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY WALL STREET JUST CRASHED TODAY AND WENT DOWN BECAUSE EVERYONE THOUGHT THERE WAS GONNA BE THIS HUGE DEAL TO REOPEN THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ WHICH IS CRUCIAL FOR OIL AND GLOBAL SHIPPING BUT THEN THE TALKS TOTALY FELL APART AND EVERYONE FREAKED OUT AND STARTED SELLING ALL THEIR STOCKS SO NOW THE MARKET IS BLEEDING RED AND EVERYONE IS PANICKING ABOUT INFLATION AND GAS PRICES SPIKING WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE I JUST WANTED TO ENJOY MY DRINK. ANYWAYS DO YOU LIKE CRYPTO?

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SO BASICALLY THIS ASTRONOMER IN CALIFORNIA FIGURED OUT THE EXACT BEST HOUR WEDNESDAY TO WATCH THE MASSIVE PERSEIDS METEOR SHOWER PEAK WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE FALLING SPACE ROCKS ARE LITERALLY JUST CHUNKS OF DUST FROM SOME OLD COMET SMACKING INTO OUR ATMOSPHERE AT INSANE SPEEDS AND BURNING UP SO NOW EVERYONE IS TRYING TO ESCAPE THE CITY LIGHT POLLUTION TO STARE AT THE NIGHT SKY AND WISH UPON A FALLING STAR BEFORE THEY GO BACK INSIDE AND DRINK MORE WINE. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

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