World & Domestic

SO BASICALLY THERE WAS THIS MASSIVE TOTAL SOLAR ECLIPSE SWEEPING RIGHT ACROSS EUROPE WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WENT OUTSIDE TO STARE DIRECTLY AT THE SKY LIKE WEIRDOS AND THE SCIENTISTS WERE FREAKING OUT MAKING SURE EVERYONE WORE THOSE GOOFY CARDBOARD GLASSES SO THEY WOULD NOT GO BLIND AND NOW TOURISM IS BOOMING BECAUSE EVERY HOTEL WAS FULL OF ASTRONOMY NERDS AND DRUNK PEOPLE PARTYING IN THE DARK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER DRINK?

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SO BASICALLY A MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE LIT UP COLOMBIA AND LIKE OVER 181 PEOPLE ARE DEAD WHICH IS CRAZY DEVASTATING AND THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS BASICALLY CRUMBLING INTO DUST AND ASH, SO NOW RESCUE CREWS ARE DIGGING THROUGH ALL THE INSANE MOUNTAINS OF BROKEN CONCRETE AND TWISTED METAL AND THEY LITERALLY PULLED A TINY BABY ALIVE OUT OF THE RUBBLE WHICH IS LIKE THE ONLY GOOD THING HAPPENING RIGHT NOW AMIDST ALL THIS MADNESS. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY TRUMP GOT SECRETLY EVACUATED OFF AIR FORCE ONE AND THEY USED THE ACTUAL PLANE AS A FLYING DECOY WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE SOME IMPERILED SITUATION HAPPENED IN THE SKIES AND THEY HAD TO SNEAK THE PRESIDENT OUT THROUGH THE BACKDOOR SO NO ONE WOULD KNOW WHERE HE WAS GOING WHILE THE EMPTY JET JUST FLEW AROUND LURING POTENTIAL THREATS AWAY WHICH IS WILD PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE IN REAL LIFE SO NOW EVERYONE IS FREAKING OUT ABOUT NATIONAL SECURITY. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER VODKA REDBULL?

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SO BASICALLY A MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE JUST HIT COLOMBIA AND OVER TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE ARE ALREADY DEAD WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE THE EPICENTER IS TOTALLY CUT OFF AND RESCUERS LITERALLY CANNOT REACH THE SURVIVORS YET BECAUSE THE ROADS ARE COMPLETELY DESTROYED AND MUDLINES ARE BLOCKING EVERYTHING SO NOW THE GOVERNMENT IS SCRAMBLING DESPERATELY TO SEND HELICOPTERS BUT THE WEATHER IS ABSOLUTE GARBAGE WHICH IS MAKING EVERY SINGLE THING EVEN WORSE WHILE FAMILIES ARE FREAKING OUT WAITING FOR NEWS ABOUT THEIR LOVED ONES. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY A MASSIVE SEVEN POINT FOUR MAGNITUDE EARTHQUAKE JUST SMASHED WESTERN COLOMBIA WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE IT KILLED AT LEAST ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN PEOPLE AND CRUSHED WHOLE TOWNS AND LEFT THOUSANDS OF POOR SOULS TRAPPED BENEATH THE HEAVY RUBBLE AND MUDSLIDES SO NOW RESCUE CREWS ARE DESPERATELY DIGGING THROUGH THE DEBRIS WHILE AFTERSHOCKS KEEP SHAKING THE WHOLE REGION WHICH IS TERRIFYING AND THE GOVERNMENT IS SCRAMBLING TO SEND EMERGENCY AID TO THE SURVIVORS WHO HAVE LOST EVERYTHING IN JUST A FEW SECONDS. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

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SO BASICALLY WALL STREET JUST CRASHED TODAY AND WENT DOWN BECAUSE EVERYONE THOUGHT THERE WAS GONNA BE THIS HUGE DEAL TO REOPEN THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ WHICH IS CRUCIAL FOR OIL AND GLOBAL SHIPPING BUT THEN THE TALKS TOTALY FELL APART AND EVERYONE FREAKED OUT AND STARTED SELLING ALL THEIR STOCKS SO NOW THE MARKET IS BLEEDING RED AND EVERYONE IS PANICKING ABOUT INFLATION AND GAS PRICES SPIKING WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE I JUST WANTED TO ENJOY MY DRINK. ANYWAYS DO YOU LIKE CRYPTO?

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