Opinion & Editorial

SO BASICALLY THIS NEWSPAPER EDITORIAL WROTE THAT SOME GUY NAMED CROWLEY CAN TOTALLY UNIFY THE DEMOCRATS TO BEAT THIS OTHER REPUBLICAN GUY NAMED TOM TIFFANY IN WISCONSIN AND EVERYONE IS FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT BECAUSE THE PARTY HAS BEEN SO DIVIDED FOR SO LONG AND THEY REALLY NEED SOMEONE TO STEP UP AND BRING EVERYONE TOGETHER TO ACTUALLY WIN AN ELECTION FOR ONCE WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE NOBODY CAN AGREE ON ANYTHING ANYMORE AND NOW EVERYONE IS ARGUING AT THE BAR ABOUT IT. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY THE WASHINGTON POST PUBLISHED THIS WILD OPINION PIECE ABOUT HOW AMERICA HAS COMPLETELY LOST ITS DAMN MIND WITH THE TIP SCREENS GETTING SPUN AROUND AT EVERY SINGLE STORE WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE NOW YOU ARE GETTING JUDGED BY A ROBOT CASHIER JUST FOR BUYING A STUPID BAG OF CHIPS AND EVERYONE IS FREAKING OUT ABOUT TIPPINGSATION INFLATION SO NOW EVERYONE IS FIGHTING ABOUT BASIC ETIQUETTE WHILE THE BILLIONAIRES JUST LAUGH AT US. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER VODKA SODA?

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SO BASICALLY THIS WASHINGTON POST OPINION PIECE IS TALKING ABOUT OKLAHOMA SENATOR MARKWAYNE MULLIN WHO IS A HARDCORE MAGA GUY AND USUALLY SAYS WHATEVER TRUMP WANTS BUT THEN RECENTLY HE ACTUALLY TOLD THE TRUTH ABOUT SOMETHING AND DIDNT JUST REPEAT THE PARTY LINE WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE NOW HE IS LOSING ALL HIS POLITICAL BROWNIE POINTS WITH THE EXTREME BASE WHO THINK HE IS GOING SOFT SO NOW HE HAS TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GO BACK TO LYING JUST TO STAY POPULAR. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY THIS NEW OPINION PIECE IN THE WASHINGTON POST CALLED SWITCHED IS TALKING ALL ABOUT HOW PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY CHANGING THEIR MINDS ABOUT TECHNOLOGY AND SOCIAL MEDIA AFTER SPENDING YEARS BEING ABSOLUTELY ADDICTED TO THEIR PHONES AND CONSTANTLY SCROLLING THROUGH BASELESS ALGORITHMS WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE EVERYONE IS SUDDENLY TRYING TO GO OFF THE GRID AND DELETE THEIR ACCOUNTS SO NOW OLD TECH EXECUTIVES ARE FREAKING OUT AND WRITING THESE HUGE EDITORIALS BEGGING US TO COME BACK TO THE SCREENS AND BUY MORE EXPENSIVE GADGETS AND IT IS JUST A WILD MESS OF HYPOCRISY AND DESPERATION WHILE WE ARE ALL JUST STANDING HERE IN THIS LOUD CLUB TRYING TO HEAR EACH OTHER OVER THE BASS.

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SO BASICALLY THIS NEW OPINION PIECE IN THE BOSTON GLOBE IS TALKING ABOUT WALTHAM MASSACHUSETTS WHERE THE CITY COUNCIL JUST HAD THIS MASSIVE FIGHT OVER A MAYORAL VETO AND THE COUNCIL FREAKING OVERRODE IT WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE IT BASICALLY MEANS THE LOCAL POLITICIANS ARE WARRING OVER POWER AND BUDGET STUFF AND THE EDITORIAL BOARD IS SAYING IT IS A TOTAL MESS SO NOW EVERYONE IN TOWN IS ARGUING ABOUT WHO IS ACTUALLY RUNNING THE SHOW. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT OF TEQUILA?

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SO BASICALLY THIS NEW EDITORIAL CARTOON ABOUT IRAN CAME OUT SHOWING THE WHOLE MESS OVER THERE WITH THE NUCLEAR STUFF AND THE PROTESTS AND THE US TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF WE SHOULD TALK TO THEM OR BOMB THEM WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE THE CARTOON HAS THIS TRAFFIC LIGHT GOING BETWEEN STOP AND GO WHILE EVERYBODY IN WASHINGTON IS JUST SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER ABOUT DIPLOMACY VERSUS MILITARY ACTION SO NOW THE WHOLE REGION IS ON THE BRINK OF EXPLODING AND NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. ANYWAYS DO YOU WANT ANOTHER TEQUILA SHOT?

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